A press release on feelings

8:27:00 AM

Let's get personal.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing all the answers. You don't always have to know who you are. You don't have to have the big picture, or know where you're heading. Sometimes it's enough just to know what you're going to do next.
The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
Like losing a relationship because of a misunderstanding. And realizing that misunderstanding is still being dragged on. Wanting to make the truth count, but having to accept that it just isn't the truth for the other person. It's not easy to live with. It's not easy to let something like that left unresolved. But there's nothing to be done about it. Time has passed and so much happened in between. Let go. Move on. Move on. Move the fucking on.

Yesterday I tried to console a friend who just went through a breakup. I knew his "I'm okay" really meant "I don't want to talk about it", but he did eventually anyway and I listened. And I envied him. Because he's trying to be a grown-up about it. Not trying to fix and manipulate and control, unlike me who just keeps dragging on this baggage of bitterness and it's been, what, six or seven months?

And really, it's not even just about a broken relationship anymore. That's done. It happened. But it's all the personal issues that sprang up along the way - insecurities and selfishness and frustrations. It's how I neglected every other aspect of my life to try to fix one that's obviously spinning out of control. It's how I react to situations - my inability to take some things in stride.

Do you understand why I don't like it when people say "oh, you'll find someone else"? It's not because I don't believe it or want it. We are a world of seven billion people, there are no two souls made just for each other. I want to believe that a person's raison d'être has got to be bigger than just "completing" someone else's. But I digress.

It's this: I'm not in love with the idea of love. I wasn't sad because I lost a boyfriend. I was fucking depressed because I lost that particular person. Do you see the difference? Do you get the idea? I'm not looking to get into a new relationship, nor do I have my mind closed about it. It took a while for my first "official" relationship to happen because I wanted to make sure that when it does, I remain my own person. I didn't want to be relegated as just "someone's girlfriend". It was fulfilling, you know, and it was the best feeling ever. But I feel like if I try to move on with someone else, not only would it be unfair to that person, I also feel like I'm cheating my way out of my own mess. It works for other people but not for me.

I can move the fucking on without finding a replacement. If I'm ever going to be with someone else, it will be because I really feel strongly about that person, not because I'm itching to get into a relationship.

In the meantime, I have a life begging to be lived. I have movies to watch, books to read, songs to listen to, ideas to write, parties to crash, pizzas to digest, Tekken games to pwn, Army Navy branches to conquer and ABS other areas of interest to explore. Dammit, I literally own the word awesome.

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CS Lewis

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