In case of doubt

8:02:00 AM

If February wasn't my month, March is just pushing it.

Except for an episode or two at home, there really isn't anything that's outright ruining it. That might actually be easier to take. The struggle is being ambushed by self-inflicting ideas about the past (from the moment I wake up) and crucifying myself (all day) for being unable to completely do away with them. I know I've made considerable progress and sustaining it is hard enough, but to be reminded that I still have a long way to go can get really discouraging.

But if there's any consolation, it's probably that I've learned to entertain my emotions less. Feelings, they just come and it's not like you can decide them away, but what you do about them is a choice.

More thoughts:

1. If you're gonna grumble and make sure everyone knows you don't like what you're doing...then just don't do it. Because everything that starts with "at least" is not even worth noting.

2. Withdrawing, even if you end up looking to be on the weaker end, is sometimes the best (and most times the only) way to win in an argument. The prize is freedom from guilt when otherwise would hurt other people.

3. The world is oblivious at 5 a.m. and yours for the taking. The late, great Benjamin Franklin said once: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." The Chinese believe this too. What I've come to is that I do more meaningful work when the world (ergo, distractions) is yet to come to consciousness. That everything around me is oblivious has also been a great motivation to stretch some leg and visual muscles outdoors. I notice and appreciate more that seem irrelevant on a daily basis, like the lit-up view of a classroom—amidst a sleeping street—open and eagerly awaiting her learners.

4. "You go where you focus." I caught an excerpt of Arlene Pellicane's 30 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife on this neat app called My K-Love. She likened this important life lesson to riding a bike. When she was still learning, her husband told her that if she kept focused at the wooden posts, she would definitely steer herself right into them. But if she would focus on the path in between the posts, she would steer right onto the path safely.

5. "Sometimes the only person that can encourage you is yourself." I'm a walking chatterbox. My instant reaction to frustrations and loneliness and longing is to talk about it. Like, talk and talk and talk. I have friends who have endured weeks of depressed Dani and even though they've just been absolutely wonderful about it, I could always tell when they're nearing threshold. And you know what, after all these years I'm just admitting now that airing it out has never really helped much. More often than not, it's even made me feel bad about publicizing issues that should only be between me and the other party.

Which is not to say that you should never ask for help. We all need people who got our backs. It's just that sometimes, I guess the best solution to a problem is to simply drop it. That I'm still discussing it only means that there are things I don't understand and figuring it out is obviously not happening anytime soon. I'm choosing to trust that the answers will come when I'm ready for it but in the meantime, I have to start with what I know.

You Might Also Like


Leave a comment, make a friend!

Quote of the Day

"Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed."
CS Lewis

Like us on Facebook